What was it like for her?

Most of my posts have been about my own observations, research, and experiences.  However, there is another person involved in this situation.  My daughter.  She is about 3.75 years old.  And more heartbreaking than realizing how dreaded I had become towards her, has been realizing what it must be like, have been like, to be inside of her, and young enough that you can't articulate the problem.

The first time I began to question what it is like for her, was when she tried to ask for Jelly Beans.  We had a reasonable conversation about why we couldn't have it.  She wasn't out of control over the issue either.  She was handling it pretty well.  Until she tossed herself (not in a fit, more in a careless 3.75 yo way), onto the couch and said:  "They don't make me nervous anymore."  My literal response was: "Did they used to make you nervous?"

Some people speculated that she was repeating things that she had heard my husband and I talk about.  But I assure you, at no point, had we used the word nervous.  From our perspective, nervous she never was, hyper, out of control, anxious, maybe.  But not nervous.

Since then we've crossed paths with bad foods many times, and stolen from another Feingold parent has been the phrase:  "Bad Mood Food".  I felt silly at first.  But it rolls off the tongue better with time, and she seems more accepting when she understand the opposition is not to the food itself, but to the behavior that it elicits.  I now have a growing pantry of foods, and special treats that I will gladly trade for ANY of the bad mood foods.  IE ->  Don't eat that PEACH...  here, have chocolate pudding instead!!!!  Yea, not something I would have EVER told you I would utter a month ago.

But what has left my eyes wide, are not the number of times I've told her a food is bad mood food but the other things I've heard.  Like after her bad reaction to peaches, I overheard her in the kitchen, where she found the bowl of forbidden fruit, and was uttering her own particularly funny comments:  "I love you peaches, peaches mmmm you're sooooo gooooooood".  A 3.75 yo love affair with peaches.  But she didn't eat them.

Or when we show up places with snacks/food in tow and she proudly tells people she has HER food, it's SPECIAL food.

But even more, was when I heard her say:  "I have my own food, it doesn't make me CRAAZZZYYYY *rolling her eyes around in her head*"

And then I had the saddest conversation.  As we passed a Dunkin' Donuts.  Which had long been a treat she and I partook together particularly on Saturday Mornings.  Her favorite, a donut, with pink frosting, and sprinkles.

Daughter: I want a Donut
Me:  No more donuts, they aren't good for us.  They aren't good for Mommy, and they aren't good for you.  They are Bad Mood Foods.
Daughter: No they aren't, they make me HAPPPYYYY *making funny faces of love towards the ceiling of the car*
Me:  You miss donuts?
Daughter:  Yes.
Me:  Maybe some weekend this fall we can talk to Daddy and we can make donuts at home from scratch.  Would you like that?
Daughter:  Yes, and then they wouldn't make me CCRRRAAAZZZYYYYY *rolling her eyes around in her head*  Just happy.  Donuts, mmmm, they would be pink, and they would make me happy.

Tears built up in my eyes.  She's 3.75 years old.  For her to know all of these things, how must it have felt inside of her.