I feel the need to write something. Because I feel like my experience is that
which could benefit other families/mothers/fathers/children. Because quietly, for about 2.5 years, our
family has been struggling with an unknown force in our lives. It’s not something you talk about to a lot of
people. And frankly, it’s been so
inconsistent it was hard to ever tell if it was “just” her age, if it was “just”
too much sugar, if it was “just” what she was going through. And the parents of a too smart precocious little
girl doesn’t walk up to people say, “Hello, I think there is a problem with my
child”. But 5 days ago, something
snapped. It snapped in her, and it
snapped in me, and frankly, it snapped in everyone in our house.
After what has felt like weeks of inexplicable and uncontrollable behavior, my daughter sunk to a new low. Behavior that seemed impossible to ignore. In one 4 hour period, she threw a handful of toy cars at her brother. Bit her father when he tried to discipline her. Threw a boxed set of books against a wall and broke the box when she was getting a time out. Deteriorated into a pile of tears, and rage because I thought she should go to bed at her bedtime. And resorted to throwing books at me, and kicking, screaming and flailing. I sat on the top step outside her room, and cried. I was exhausted. I didn’t know what to do for her. I could see the rage in her little eyes, and it just didn’t feel normal. I was done being convinced it was normal for her age and making up excuses.
I was done being convinced she was adjusting to a change in her life. I was just done.
The next day, as any parent in this day and age of the Internet does, I started to search the Internet. I can’t tell you how, or why I zoned in on it, but I began to identify food dyes as a possible cause to her erratic horrible behavior. And anxiously when I got home from work, I started looking at things in the refrigerator. We eat very responsibly, we don’t keep unhealthy foods in the house. We don’t have potato chips, or bags of cookies. So it seemed impossible that something could be in such high levels that it would be impacting her so drastically. In fact my husband kept saying: but we eat well. So I started searching. And I was devastated at what I found.
Her yogurt. She had insisted on a different kind, and sure enough, it was “low fat” with artificial sweeteners, and food dyes to boot. Gone. She and her caregiver make and eat Jell-O regularly. It hadn’t seemed like an innocent enough treat, especially if I buy the sugar free variety. Gone. Jelly Beans that we had been working through since Easter, not a lot, one here, and one there, when she did something good. Gone. Her toothpaste. Gone. How could so much have creeped into our lives. And still, plenty of children do these things, consume these things, and they seem fine. Of course, we silently suffered, so who knows how many other parents silently suffer as well.
Over the next couple of days, her behavior seemed worse, that’s when I searched again, and found out that it’s not abnormal. Kind of like withdrawal from any other chemical dependency.
After what has felt like weeks of inexplicable and uncontrollable behavior, my daughter sunk to a new low. Behavior that seemed impossible to ignore. In one 4 hour period, she threw a handful of toy cars at her brother. Bit her father when he tried to discipline her. Threw a boxed set of books against a wall and broke the box when she was getting a time out. Deteriorated into a pile of tears, and rage because I thought she should go to bed at her bedtime. And resorted to throwing books at me, and kicking, screaming and flailing. I sat on the top step outside her room, and cried. I was exhausted. I didn’t know what to do for her. I could see the rage in her little eyes, and it just didn’t feel normal. I was done being convinced it was normal for her age and making up excuses.
I was done being convinced she was adjusting to a change in her life. I was just done.
The next day, as any parent in this day and age of the Internet does, I started to search the Internet. I can’t tell you how, or why I zoned in on it, but I began to identify food dyes as a possible cause to her erratic horrible behavior. And anxiously when I got home from work, I started looking at things in the refrigerator. We eat very responsibly, we don’t keep unhealthy foods in the house. We don’t have potato chips, or bags of cookies. So it seemed impossible that something could be in such high levels that it would be impacting her so drastically. In fact my husband kept saying: but we eat well. So I started searching. And I was devastated at what I found.
Her yogurt. She had insisted on a different kind, and sure enough, it was “low fat” with artificial sweeteners, and food dyes to boot. Gone. She and her caregiver make and eat Jell-O regularly. It hadn’t seemed like an innocent enough treat, especially if I buy the sugar free variety. Gone. Jelly Beans that we had been working through since Easter, not a lot, one here, and one there, when she did something good. Gone. Her toothpaste. Gone. How could so much have creeped into our lives. And still, plenty of children do these things, consume these things, and they seem fine. Of course, we silently suffered, so who knows how many other parents silently suffer as well.
Over the next couple of days, her behavior seemed worse, that’s when I searched again, and found out that it’s not abnormal. Kind of like withdrawal from any other chemical dependency.
Then something strange happened, the third day was a holiday, and with all the visitors, and parties, she didn’t eat particularly “well”. But we stuck to NO dyes. I’ll tell you what she ate that day, and the order which she ate it: homemade ice pop, blueberries, high end chocolate, blueberries, fruit ice pop, several pieces of sweet corn, cheese cake, ice cream, hamburger, bun. That’s it. I was a bit ashamed as I traced her food over the day. What parent feeds their child that? *shrug* The amazing was as we got her ready for bed. And she told us, she was tired. She asked to be carried to bed, where she said she didn’t want stories, she just wanted to read in her bed. She came downstairs once. She wanted a flashlight. She got it on her own, she went back to bed. She read in her bed for another 20 mins. Then shut off the flashlight. And went to sleep. This morning, when I went to wake her up, she wasn’t groggy, she was clear headed, she wanted to know what we were going to do, and was responsive to the things I asked her to do.
It’s hard to admit when your child feels like too much to handle. When you have so many days where you don’t feel like you are filled with LIKE for your child. You know you LOVE them, but you just don’t know what you’re doing right. Or what you’re doing wrong. Or how to help them. I’m not telling this story because I need anything from anyone else. I am telling this story because I truly fear that more children are impacted by the additives in their foods, as my daughter has been. I fear that more parents out there accept, with sincere frustration that their child is just “strong willed”, “naturally hyper” and whatever else it is that we convince ourselves of so we can make it through the day. It takes a toll. On us. On the child. On the family. I tell my story because if it makes even 1 parent stop and think, and try, and if it saves even 1 child from years of behavior beyond their control. Then I will have made a difference.
I don’t think this journey is anywhere near done. I think it is just the beginning. I think it’s more complex, and will take more work than I yet appreciate or understand. But for the first time, in years, I feel like there is light. I am eager to get home from work and see who my little girl is today. Because the joke, of El Diablo, was not much of a joke. I can’t wait to share my journey, and hopefully help other parents and children who are similarly “possessed”, find out who they truly are, and what they are amazingly capable of once the evil has been removed from their lives.
R
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